Georgia and Jas are off to Hamburger-a-gogo land! Georgia plans to track down Masimo, the Italian-American dreamboat, but after a long week in America, she only succeeds in learning importantish things -- like how to ride a bucking bronco. Will Georgia reel in the Italian dreamboat? Or is she destined to live forever all aloney on her owney?

10:05 a.m....

Sun shining like a big yellow shining...er, warmey planet on fire thing.

Yesssssssss!

I am quite literally not wandering lonely as a clud, in fact I am treading lightly in the Universe of the Very Nearly Quite Happy.

10:10 a.m.

Something full of miraculosity has happened. My vati, world renowned fool and paid up member of the Big Twit club, has for once in his entire life accidentally done something good. We are going to Hamburger-a-gogo land in two weeks! Honestly.

And guess who is there already? Besides a lot of people in huge psychedelic shorts and that bloke who is half chicken, half colonel. I'll tell you who is there, the Luuurve God is there!!! Masimo, the Italian stallion has gone to visit his olds, leaving me, his new, lurker-free nearly girlfriend back here in Billy Shakespeare land. So he thinks! Imagine how thrilled he will be when I pop up and say 'Howdy!' Or whatever it is they say over there.

Let the overseas Snog Fest begin!

10:15 a.m.

The only fly in the ointmosity of life is that Vati is making us go to some crap clown-car convention.

10:20 a.m.

And Uncle Eddie, the baldest man on the planet, is coming with us.

10:25 a.m.

Still, with a bit of luck they will both be arrested for indecent exposure when they don their leather motoring trousers.

10:30 a.m.

Filled with the joie de vivre that is so much a part of my attractive but modest personality, I phoned my bestest pally.

'Jas, it is mich, your sehr guttest pally; I am calling you mit wunderbarnews!'

'Oh God. Look, it's only a week till Tom leaves and we were just sorting out my—'

'Jas, I cannot waste time discussing your knicker collection; that is between you and Tom...quite literally...hahahahaha. Do you get it? Do you get it? Knickers...between you and Hunky...do you...'

But as I should have known from long and tiring experience, it is useless to waste my wit on Jassy. So I cut to my nub and gist.

'I am going to Hamburger-a-gogo land to meet Masimo the Luuurve God of the Universe and Beyond. And back.'

'No you're not.'

'I am.'

'How?'

I explained to Jas about the trip and the 'Howdy!' business and everything, but as usual she displayed cold waterosity.

'Where is Masimo going to be in Hamburger-a-gogo land?'

'Ahaha!!!'

'You don't know, do you?'

'Well, not yet, but...'

'He could be anywhere.'

'I know, but how big can America be???'

'It's huge.'

I laughed. Nothing was going to spoil my peachy mood, let alone swotty nit-picking from Ms. Big Pantaloonies.

I said, 'Is it as huge as your gym knickers?'

There was silence.

'Jas, come on, be happy for me.'

'It's all very well for you, you can just fancy anyone, but it's different with Tom and me—he's off to Kiwi-a-gogo and I will be left here all on my owney.'

Oh good grief.

Hunky is going to the Land of the Big White Clots for only a couple of weeks, but I am still going to have to listen to her moaning and rambling on about the twig-collecting years. However, before she could start raving on about mollusks and cuckoo spit, I had a flash of inspirationosity.

'Jas, listen, I have a plan of such geniosity that I have even surprised myself, and might give myself some sort of award.'

She didn't even say 'What is it?' There was just silence.

I said, 'Aren't you even going to ask me what it is, Jas?'

'It's bound to be stupid.'

'Oh cheers, thanks a lot. Well, I won't bother you with it, then. Even though it involves you and your happiness and is très bon and also vair vair gut. Au revoir. Bonne chance.'

And I put the phone down. Even Jas cannot spoil my mood. Lalalalalalala.

11:00 a.m.

Better start planning my ward...